REMEMBER

Saturday, March 22, 2008

something really sad happened.

i just realise how authority can separate the distances between two friends. we weren't very very close friends, but close enough not to be offended when point of views are shared honestly. but after that very date, i felt that my "friends" seem to have put up a wall between me and them, i no longer understand them anymore. they seem to keep everything to themselves, the joy, the happiness.

i don't feel the belonging there anymore, and sometimes i do dread it when the schedule comes for me to meet them. cause i feel so left out, even as compared to people who just know them.

perhaps it is totally due to my irresponsibility, or rather inability to commit to a position among them, but i didn't do it for a reason that is for fun. i don't like people pushing me to do things that i can't.

the leader in my friend that i saw today, totally saddens me. the approach my dear friend took to solve this problem was to drive me to the wall, and not leaving me any leeway to this circumstance at all.

my bbf thinks that my leader friend is arrogant, perhaps due to what i say too rashly, but i know he's not. perhaps it's the stress of being a leader that forced him to be that harsh with me, but i seriously didn't feel the need to. i really don't understand my friends now, for they never told me anything at all. it's so diff between last year and this year.

how do you actually maintain friendships while keeping authority ? perhaps that is what the previous two leaders last year can answer, because i really admire them for doing suc a great job. i think even if i'm the leader, i will not be able to uphold the responsibility like how my friend is doing it now. but how can i make it up to my friend when he does not listen anymore ?

i feel really sorry not being able to help out at all, but it's a fact that it's an extra curricular activity. i joined not because i'm being paid to, because i want to. yes, but now i really need something that i can be paid to do so, do you really understand ?

it feels like all of you don't want me there anymore. if there's a need to ease this burden of me not turning up regularly, i can do so by leaving, not because i want to, but because i really can't commit 100%.

the way you solve your problem might be not totally right, but the fault still lies with me initially. though your sacarsm and harshness had hurt me, i still feel the need to apologise not only to you but all of you.

though it doesn't feel like we are friends anymore, but i just hope, i made life better for you by giving you less trouble this way.

you know who you are ............
if you read this, i'm here to tell you i'm sorry.

it seems like i've become a person whom can't do whatever she likes. nowdays i feel so controlled like i've lost my freedom. not to say being attached but also occupationally occupied. i dunno what that really means, but you get my idea la huh.

i hate to be this way, but to survive in this society, i just have to harden myself up and be damn damn realistic. i might sound so damn pissed off with my friend, but deep inside i didn't want to reject it at all. but i just have no choice.

why is working life so hateful now ???
can i like get money by sitting under a tree and looking in the sky ?

/4:05 AM