Saturday, December 1, 2007
i read something perhaps i wish i have never read. yes it hurts but i doubt that there's anything that can lessen the pain. after the first few arguements, i should have been clever enough to know that we'll never be together, but i was just plainly dumb enough to deceive myself.
so just saying sorry, and that you should have done this or do that in the first place will help is it ?? this all the more goes to show how much i matter to you. all you think of is yourself, how to forget your precious glass. do you even have some consideration about what will happen if this fails ?? how much more hurt it will cause ?? so by saying all this i should forgive you ?? let you be irresponsible after cheating people of their feelings ?? wipe your backside and go ??
but then again, what harm can i bear to do to you ?? blame me for being soft-hearted, gullible and stupid then. maybe i should be like you, do the freaking thing called CLOSE UP MY HEART TO MYSELF, MY OWN GLAMOUROUS SKY !!!
i have never wished that he becomes my boyfriend, and i never expected him to like me more than i like him. but i just don't understand why does he hint to me things that made me feel that i still have a little space in his heart when he doesn't like me at all ?? why can he say it out so naturally ?? why do you have to lie to me all along !!!
i never hoped for more, but just to be able to be close to you and to feel that i'm still a little special in your heart. i should have guessed it that i'm somebody whom you can even give a little space to when many times you didn't make decisions with me in regard. why am i so stupid to believe a guy the second time even after he said that he was trying to like me only. i should have just thrown him outta my heart at that time, WHY DID I FUCKING BELIEVE HIM AGAIN.
you told me your past won't affect you but it fucking did. maybe i'm just unlucky or what, to have to meet a guy who doesn't treat me like i'm worth even a cent.
you know boy .... i feel like giving you one tight slap. but i'm slapping myself now instead for liking someone like you. i know you hurt me deep, but i don't know where to start blaming you for making me fall in love with you.
i don't know what made me do all the stupid things for you, trying so hard to make you feel better. after meeting you, the girl who was pampered and never giving in was gone, i was totally lost. i had never said this to you because i thought you will never accept it, but i do love you.
though it may not be as deep as the ocean but it's enough for my heart to shatter. as from now on, perhaps i should just turn the love for you into hatred, so that forgetting might be easier.
i will never forget the msn conversation when you told me that someone has been long around but i just lost her. so can i tell you that i really hate the way you compared the present with your past.
even by just talking, one can fall in love with another, because it's about personality not about meeting up. how i wish i am the one who doesn't feel the chemistry instead of you.
i hate your guts for doing this to me, and hate me for not being who i am and stomple you to death. i hate your idiotness for not predicting this outcome before you led me on, and myself for believing you. i hate you, your past, your present, your memories, our memories, our empty future, everything !!!
so from now on, jolynn hates ****, don't ever fuccking remind me of this person again, if not please go fuck the wall.
though it sounds abit too much, but FUCK YOU, whoever you think you are.
go find your second perfect glass, it's not my loss but yours. as much as i don't wanna say it, but really FUCK YOU that somebody.
i need a break, when i can be like who i am last time, really be emo in front of others when i am. but now, i can just put up a strong front only. i don't know what to feel, angry, disappointed, upset, depressed, heartbroken, deceived or what. perhaps a mixture of all. but i definitely hate things the way they are now.
sad to say, for the past few weeks, actually sometimes i don't feel like being bothered about him. in fact, sometimes i treat him like someone very unimportant, for this is how he treats me sometimes. i'm too scared of falling in love. well, since i can do it last time, i can do it now. let's throw him aside like what i used to be able to do. =)
count to ten,
and everything will be ok ......
i know .......
/11:59 PM
