Tuesday, December 11, 2007
i actually suppose to be happily chatting with u wherever we might go, but now i'm just stuck at home fighting back my tears for u. i made a prom to my mum not to shed a tear over u anymore, but it seems hard to control.
every now and then u appear in my life, everytime after u say u will nv be able to accept me. my uncle says it's fate that i can't escape, but i think otherwise, which is me pulling myself towards u. i foolishly tried once and again to adapt to your inconsistent presence although i know nothing's gonna come outta it.
like u said, i not even your gf or your wife, why am i so controlling. yes i'm just your friend, but does it give any one the right to break a promise and then just make a compromise and force people to think that we should give in ? is it because i'm just your friend, so u find no need to feel apologetic about it ? or is it because i mean less than a friend ? if it's her, will u react the same way ?
it's not like i wanna be emo you know, but every words u said just came down so hard right on my heart. every letter u said just make my heart wanna sink so much that i don't know what to say to u.
my attitude and temper sucks, but i'm already trying to control. maybe it's because u don't see the difference between the me last time and the me now. i hate people to fly aeroplane, that u already know. but these few times u did it, i didn't bear a grudge, but u repeat it time and again, and i don't understand why being angry is being ridiculous. because i don't mean a thing means i'm denied of the right to feel angry ? or what ? i really don't understand u. u said it's your char, and i have to accept it, but u also said we are just friends, so why is being your friend to difficult that i have to change my temper and everything but u need not ?
everytime we quarrel i just have to hang up on the phone halfway because it just hurts so much, so so much that i don't want u to hear me cry at all. i had to fight back my tears in front of the world. why do u treat others so diff as compared to me ? why am i like a spare tyre to u?
i understand u have a busy schedule as u are going to be enlisted soon, but i too have my project deadlines. someone who puts in effort need not complain or emphasize it at all. did i ever blame u for the meeting up causing me to burn midnight oil ?
so is it really me whom u are very unwilling to meet at all ? i'm really sad u know, for u to say all those things to me. u asked me if i wanted the whole day with u, i wanted to say yes, but i'm afraid even if u promised, i might just end up disappointed. u dunno how worthless u make me feel, having u not a care a lil bit more.
all i wanted just now was a "sorry, i'll meet u at 8pm instead to make it up ok?" u just had to rephrase your sentence. u know that somewhat u matter in my heart, as a girl, i just wanted this someone to show a lil more care and gentleness towards me. do u know ??
but all u did was to tell me when u are free and i'm supposed to follow your timeslot. if i can't u can only ask me what i want. why is this so ? yes, i'm stubborn, because u matter to me. i don't get stubborn over things that i don't care about. i don't know if u care, because u behave that stubborn too, or it's because u just don't wanna protect my feelings at all. i'm really hurt and saddened by what u say no matter was it intentional or not. because i really felt like i meant nothing at all but just a fool who is willing to do anything for u. stupid jolynn.
what do u have to treat me so ?
u said that no one asked me to buy anything for u, i can don't bother to care for you at all. so i can throw it away or whatever i wanna do with it, cause it doesn't mean anything to u at all. maybe it's just really how u feel in your heart that u didn't say out. maybe i should grant you your wish and burn it this christmas, so that by then everything between might come to an end, just like the ashes left.
i don't wanna cry anymore, i give up.
/5:12 PM
